Essential Question: What are the most effective methods of conflict resolution for young kids?

I noticed yesterday that my parents will often give in to my siblings if they continue asking for something, even after they’ve said no.

Last night Lazer (7) wanted an extra 5 minutes before bedtime. Initially, my step mom said no. Lazer asked again, adding a please, she said no again. He asked maybe 4 more times, each time she said no.

Then he said: “But I was so good today, I did all my work”

and she replied: “You’re right you were good today” and gave him the extra 5 minutes.

First of all, he was not very good that day. He was good in the morning but by the afternoon he was sitting on his zoom classes rolling his eyes at his teachers and not listening, I had to tell him multiple times to do his work and listen to his teachers, he ran away and hid before afternoon meeting–making him late, etc.

Aside from rewarding mediocre behavior and things that are expected of him like “doing all his work” behaviorist psychologists say that giving in after repeatedly saying no to a child is the worst thing you can do in this situation. According to the behaviorist theory, this conditions the child to believe that if they continue asking/negotiating for something they want, even after the answer is repeatedly no, they will get it. It teaches them that no is never final. Behaviorists say that you should stick with your initial response.

In one of the Intro to Psychology lectures I am taking, the professor gave this example:

A kid wants to sleep in their parent’s bed, the parent’s don’t want the kid to sleep in their bed. According to behaviorist logic, the parents should stick to their original no, however, they should say yes 1/10 of the time so that when the answer is no, the child wont ask again until another night.

This kind of thing happens a lot with my siblings. They are both very good negotiators (which I guess will serve them well later in life). They’re very smart about the points they bring up and more often than not, they are able to turn a no into a yes–or come to some kind of compromise in their favor (Like instead of 15 more minutes before bedtime, they may get 5 or 10).

Now, although behaviorists say this is one of the biggest mistakes a parent can make when setting rules for their child, I’m not so sure it’s necessarily a bad thing. While my siblings negotiating every time they’re asked to do something is very annoying for us, being able to successfully negotiate/advocate for themselves is a very useful life skill, and they’ve learned it early in life.