Dear Parents,

Thank you for letting Mark share with us the notes from your discussion at the Adolescent Issues Parent Evening. We enjoyed reading them and getting some insight into the things that are on your minds about being the parent of an adolescent.

Mark asked us to think about some of the things that are on our minds so that we could share them with you. We hope that you find our lists as interesting as we found yours.

DURING THE MS YEARS OF ADOLESCENCE, I’M EXCITED TO:

  • be able to go places by myself and go home alone
  • make food when my mom isn’t there
  • grow up and earn more privileges
  • make my own choices and to be more independent while staying close to my family
  • “figure myself out” as a person
  • find more things to be happy about and love
  • be more independent and search for my inner self
  • have fun projects, parties, sleepovers, hang outs, and class pets
  • be on the middle school sports teams
  • have more obligations and do more on my own
  • take on the responsibility of being a teen
  • have funny moments and fun experiences
  • have my parents so worried about my life
  • learn and try new things and having new experiences
  • explore and reach my full potential, which I notice I have not hit yet

I was happy to hear that our parents are excited to see me grow into young adulthood and mature. I think that I am happy they will let us have more independence or give us independence if we don’t have it already.

I think it is interesting that more people commented on experiences then confidence, because experiences are easier to come by. Self-confidence is up to you and takes longer. I thought that most of the things that the parents said about what they are exited for us were reasonable. Most of the things sound like something that a parent would say to their kid!

DURING THE MS YEARS OF ADOLESCENCE, I AM WORRIED THAT I WILL:

  • get a homework slip
  • be given me too much independence so that I will have confidence and my confidence will lead me in to a bad situation
  • not be able to read as many books as I want to
  • become more distant from their family
  • get a bit more work
  • start to need more time alone
  • you won’t care because your lives are more difficult
  • judge myself too often
  • do something wrong that affects my future
  • do something that affects money or my parents living together or not
  • tell someone something I shouldn’t
  • get bullied
  • fall into the wrong crowd, have peer pressure on me and do something wrong.
  • lose some friends over stupid things
  • become distant from my parents and not want to ask for help
  • be made fun of
  • not get the experience I want
  • not have time for fun
  • give into peer pressure and do something bad
  • get mean and then won’t have as good a friendship as before
  • get in the middle of some relationship drama
  • do something by accident that might change the rest of my life

It surprised me how much parents think is going to change for the worse in only 4 years, which is not that long. From experience with my brother I know that my parents will eventually get less involved and in school I will be distracted by the things I am distracted by at home. I think it is interesting because for me, the way you are raised is how your relations with your parents will be. If you never talk, they will not find the need to tell you important things that can strengthen parent- kid bonds.

I think parents are kind of thinking too much about peer pressure, because some things on the list would not really happen because of peer pressure. Also I think the way your kid views these things depends on what you tell them about it. For romantic relationships, nothing last forever, so deal with it, because that’s life people. Also, we are just 11 or 12 years olds. I am not worried about anything. I think high school is when things get complicated.

I think our parents are WAY too worried about drugs alcohol and sex. It surprised me that my parents had so many worries. I don’t think that anyone in our grade is going to be using drugs, getting drunk, or ruin their life in a way that drastic. Some may be on their phone more or some people might start to have relationships, but I don’t think that anyone will ruin their life in middle school at LREI.

I want my parents to know that sometimes you (parents) think you have to teach us everything. Sometimes we figure things out on our own. I want my parents to know that I am also worried about these things happening not only to me too but also to my friends. I just know that things will get better and the kids will get smarter over time. I mean, some of these things happen in kindergarten. Just not to the extent or importance that they do now. But handling a crush? I mean that can be exciting, but keep in mind that they would probably hide that from you. At least I would.

The worst kind of parent is the one who tries to get information from you; it literally makes me want to tell them nothing. If you want to know your adolescent’s crush or whatever, don’t ask them about it. They’ll talk about it when they are ready to. I am surprised that parents don’t think that their children have developed enough confidence yet and don’t feel like their children are independent and aware of their potential.

I understand how parents would be worried about these things, but I think they are exaggerating a bit because most of us aren’t exposed to some of the things the parents say and maybe in the future it could happen, but for now we are doing fine. I never knew that the parents were worried that we might hate them. Most people think that once you become a teenager, you hate your parents, but I don’t think that is true. We are almost teenagers and from what I have seen, all of my friends love their parents.

A HOPE THAT I HAVE AS I ENTER THE ADOLESCENT WORLD OF HIGH SCHOOL IS THAT:

  • I will be happy and hopeful
  • I will get more independence
  • I will have a good experience -good teachers -good classes –fun
  • I will stay true to myself
  • my peers don’t convince me to do something wrong or unsafe
  • I become much more self-confident and I’ll learn many more things. I really want to be able to support myself because if I can’t, I won’t be able to accomplish anything because I’ll ignore all of the positive things and focus on all of the negative things I think about myself.
  • I don’t want to lose who I really am in HS because of peer pressure
  • I learn what I am really good at and interested in
  • I keep up my ability to stay focused and engaged in a project the whole way
  • I get the smarts
  • if I go to parties that I don’t get drunk every time I go
  • I still love to read
  • I will stay confident and independent
  • as the work in school gets harder that I’m still on top of it while maintaining fun after school activities
  • I am safe
  • I have fun and maybe by then have a boyfriend
  • I stay true to myself and always work hard
  • I finally find out what I’m specifically good at and maybe want to do something with it
  • I am respectful, working 100% everyday and love all my subjects
  • I still love my parents

I think it is interesting to see that one person wrote, “Make a few close friends,” and that someone else wrote, “Make many friends.” I think it interesting to have such different ideas, but in a way it makes sense. You should have some friends that are close to you, but also have friends that are just friendly, but still considered your friends.

I was surprised by how many be “blah blah blahs” there were because that means either their children are showing signs of fading on these things or they have not had them yet. My parents have told me a lot of these things before, like be confident and stuff like that.

I liked hearing how my parents think I’m a good person and want me to be more confident. I think that that is what most parents are hoping stuff like that and it doesn’t surprise me that that is what most of them said. This one the parents were on key

A CONVERSATION THAT I’M NERVOUS ABOUT HAVING WITH MY PARENTS IS:

  • Boys/Crushes/Boyfriends – I don’t want it to be weird and I don’t want my parents to have to tell me about having a boyfriend
  • Gossip
  • Drugs/Alcohol
  • Bullying
  • College Money
  • A conversation about my grades if they are not good.
  • If I’m in a situation where I’m in trouble and I need advice
  • Conversations about friends
  • That I lie too much
  • Relationships
  • The puberty talk (a.k.a. “THE talk”).
  • Girls
  • Talking about children who behave badly. Sometimes I am worried that they will think I am involved in it.
  • Any conversation
  • There is no conversations I am worried about having with my parents.

I had no idea that our parents were even going to talk to us about some of this stuff! Things like drugs seem so obvious that we shouldn’t take them, so why would a parent have a conversation about it. Also, they shouldn’t be nervous, because we will all understand it. I am surprised that many parents were nervous about talking about alcohol and drugs to their kids. I think that maybe parents don’t want to have to talk about their adolescence. I was a little interested in how they would want to talk about drugs because in NYC you can see a lot of drug addicts.

I’m not really nervous about any conversation. I’m really open to having conversations with them and I tell them a lot of things. I don’t think they need to be worried either. I don’t think I am nervous about a conversation because they have already had many conversations with me.

How come you have to talk about boys and being aggressive and not girls? Talk about sexist. Boys being aggressive huh? I’m a girl, and I feel that I am aggressive. I feel that we are focusing too much on how girls are weaker than boys or whatever when we can make people understand that although boys are physically stronger, we can both be equal. I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up, because let’s face it; If I want to work in the government, or in a place of power, I’m probably going to be paid less than my male co-worker is being paid even if I am working the same way as he is or harder. Is that fair?

Sexual assault is really awful. I know how to protect myself, but I feel awful that a lot of girls don’t have that knowledge. We should try to provide our girls today with techniques to save themselves if that ever happens. Maybe there are some things that the boys need to learn as well.

I think that the online and social issues are talked about in school, so that sort of eliminates that. I agree that if you do talk to your child about the Internet, it will be hard since most of the parents did not grow up with it. The other stuff is sort of up to the parents because they grew up with it and they were probably talked to about it.

ONE INSIGHT FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE THAT MY PARENTS CAN USE TO BE BETTER PARENTS IS:

  • Understand how hard it is to find the right friends. I mean, I have great friends, but honestly, some of them really get on my nerves. I really wish I had a better way for them to get that I can get mad, and how they could help me. Sadly my friends aren’t therapists, but I have some amazing friends who understand me. I’d say, the best you can hope for is for the crowd your child falls into to understand the person your child is.
  • I think that trying to help me, makes me feel worse and weaker. I feel like I can’t do anything myself and at that time I probably only want support instead of advice because whenever I hear advice I feel like it’s being shoved down my throat and criticizing me. Also, I’m kind of sensitive for no apparent reason, so please don’t joke about the things I’m insecure about.
  • Don’t travel as much
  • I thought that it was really crazy that our parents were thinking about how we shouldn’t sleep with our friend’s boyfriend. They shouldn’t be worried about that because in middle school none of us even have boyfriends, and if we do, then we would never even get close to sleeping with anyone of the opposite gender.
  • Being respectful. Being helpful. Being wise. Don’t say things in front of me that will hurt me or that I shouldn’t or don’t want to hear. Listen to me when I am talking. Be more of a family, not one side against another.
  • You can talk to me about anything that you think I need to hear.
  • That even in the worst situations you learn. This one (once AGAIN) didn’t surprise me.
  • I think something that my parents can do to be the best parents is to encourage me to be confident!
  • Not worry as much as they do about the things that many people do like drugs and alcohol stuff.
  • Please don’t yell at me, I am a good listener and value everything you have to say, but when you lose your patience and raise your voice, I stop wanting to hear what you have to say.
  • Don’t treat me like a baby. Please.
  • I would like it if my parents would understand when I didn’t want to talk about something, or when I get a bad grade, or anything that they might be upset at me about.
  • One insight is to explain to kids at a young age a difference between right and wrong. Not just good and evil, but the difference between what a good friend is and a bad one.
  • How many people think that their children are followers or that they give into peer pressure? How many people think long-term relationships are important, but when you ask them they would probably not have any friends from high school now? Don’t assume just listen and be more confident in me.
  • To know when to let your child have space! I would hate if my mom or dad was breathing down my neck every day, saying what to do, and what not to do.
  • Be the great parents you are. Maybe get me a phone too. Don’t worry too much about talking to us because we have read the things you said so we expect it.
  • I’d say, please, please, please be open-minded and stand up to friends and family who are not accepting of others.
  • Keep pushing us to do our best.
Give your kids space when we get to this age because we can be very grumpy and defensive
  • “To not be afraid to try new things such as volleyball and other activities.” I think this is really good advice. I think some advice I could give them is to keep being confident about my abilities and my judgment.
  • Maybe they should not let me do things that I am to young for just because I have an older sister.
  • One insight from my own experience is be aware of what’s going on in my life, but don’t be too nosy. Don’t be one of those parents who go through their kid’s phone because you’re paranoid that something bad is going to happen. Smile.

Thanks for reading this.

Your kids