May
2016
How To: Control a Family by Auntie
“Auntie has grown more tyrannical by the month.” Page 88
Hi, my name is Auntie, or it is to my family. Speaking of families mine is horrible. They think they run everything, but really I am the mastermind behind everything. But sadly, I’m getting old and forgetting all I have learned. So here in this journal, I am going to record how I do it.
How To: Control a Family
Step 1: Always make sure you have money.
How do you do this you may ask? Sell camels. But I would never get close to those filthy beasts, so you must get other people to do it. I chose Shabanu to be the camel keeper because I hate her the most. When she was younger, I would scare her out of the house, and she would go to the camels. Soon, she liked the camels and she started taking care of them and now she sells them. And then the money goes to us, and I get my fair share.
Step 2: Make sure people don’t mess with you.
The key to a healthy family is one person controlling everyone. Everyone must fear that person. That’s me. First, make your mark. I sit in the same seat every day and never move. No one dares come close. Next, make sure you scare the children. Threaten them, and when they grow older they will still be scared of you. And how do you make people listen to you and never want to mess with you? Fear, which is exactly what I have.
Step 3: Have Sons.
You must have sons because money is amazing. When you marry a son, the bride’s family has to pay you a dowry. More sons, more dowries. More dowries, more money. Now I am really good at this. I have many sons. But, my housemates failed this, so here is what you do:
Step 4: If you have the misfortune of daughters, scare the Grooms.
Now, women must be married. But you do have to worry about the dowry. The trick is to get your return. Scare the groom, and make sure he wants to keep you happy. Hint that money makes you happy, and then say when you’re sad you are going to visit. He’ll not want to have you visit because he’s scared of you, and you visit when you’re sad, so he will try to make you happy. Soon you’ll have your return.
Step 5: The Long-Term Plan.
Now, everyone dies. And I will soon, so I have to have a long-term plan. It is simple, chose someone you like and pass on this How-To. Then, make sure they always talk about you. So even when you’re dead, you still will scare children in their sleep.
Those are the five easy steps to control a family. Just remember to be scary! Here are some other tips:
Don’t be like her! Be scary! Like her:
That’s me!
22emmah
May 6, 2016 at 1:18 pm (8 years ago)“Don’t worry little one, you and Phulan are better than having seven sons” Page 3
I happen to be happy with two amazing girls. They help me with the house work, they help with the camels. Families should be run with love not fear. Treat your children like women and men, not boys and girls. Shabanu helps me make my dresses, she helps with the camel, and she does it with a smile. I think having girls around is helpful. -Mama
22stellak
May 6, 2016 at 1:25 pm (8 years ago)Oh Auntie you are so traditional. I think any family is beautiful including yours and mine. We are so blessed with sons AND daughters! But you seem to think otherwise. “If God had blessed you with sons we wouldn’t have to break our fingers over wedding dresses” pg. 3 you said while making Phulans beautiful wedding dress.
-Mama
22kateb
May 6, 2016 at 1:32 pm (8 years ago)Auntie, you are very rude to the people that care for you! “She feels superior to us because of Uncle’s salary and her two sons”. That poor family works and feeds you every day, and this is how you repay them?
-Sharma
(Quote on pg. 8)
22heidis
May 6, 2016 at 1:41 pm (8 years ago)This is Auntie. Why are you all so judgmental? I am so much better than all of you! “She feels superior to us because of Uncle’s salary.” Page 8. See I am better than you!
22stellak
May 6, 2016 at 1:42 pm (8 years ago)Auntie be thankful for what you have. You are so greedy always eating the most CHAPATIS
22stellak
May 6, 2016 at 1:47 pm (8 years ago)That’s why your so FAT!
22heidis
May 6, 2016 at 1:48 pm (8 years ago)This is Auntie. I eat the most because I am old and fat. “She’s jealous because she’s old and fat.”
22stellak
May 6, 2016 at 1:49 pm (8 years ago)Exactly!!!!
22heidis
May 6, 2016 at 1:51 pm (8 years ago)You are just jealous because I had sons.
22stellak
May 6, 2016 at 1:53 pm (8 years ago)YOU”RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I”M HAPPY!
22stellak
May 6, 2016 at 1:54 pm (8 years ago)AND YOU”RE BORING AND FAT!
22stellak
May 6, 2016 at 1:55 pm (8 years ago)But we should all be happy and thankful to Allah!
22oliviab
May 6, 2016 at 1:56 pm (8 years ago)Phulan-
Stop fighting! You are family! You guys are acting like children!
22heidis
May 6, 2016 at 1:55 pm (8 years ago)I am very happy. Do you see the amount of jewelry I wear?
22oliviab
May 6, 2016 at 1:56 pm (8 years ago)I think that you are upset because you don’t have a loyal husband. He just sends you jewelry to make up for not being there.