Testing Boundaries

Dear Families,

On Tuesday and Wednesday night, Middle School psychologist Andrew Weiss and I enjoyed spirited discussions with fifth-seventh grade parents as part of our annual Adolescent Issues Parent Evenings.

In these discussions, we spent much time talking about the many ways in which adolescents seek to test boundaries and that this can invariably lead to a certain level of conflict. As Andrew astutely observed, the goal for parents and teachers is not to find ways to avoid this conflict, but rather to work through it. For it is precisely these moments of conflict that define where the boundaries are and how they connect to the values that serve as a foundation for your family and for us at LREI. Navigating through these waters is certainly difficult for both kids, parents and teachers, but is is essential. We also acknowledged that these values may differ from family to family and with the school and that this can create additional challenges.

We talked about the challenge of responding to difficult questions that we may not want or feel prepared to answer. We agreed that acknowledging the significance of a question is important, but that we may want to let our child know that we want to think about it for a bit to figure out the best may to respond. In this way, we can model thoughtful and reflective thinking for our child as we look for the best way to enter into the conversation. We talked about the importance of finding a response that was honest, but that also felt comfortable with regard to what you may or may not want to share with your child.

We also discussed situations where parental expectations/requests don’t need to be justified with an immediate explanation (e.g., you need your child to act in a particular manner at a given moment or you may choose to not give them permission to do something that they want to do). That said, finding a way in a quieter moment to circle back to what was at the heart of the matter and to explore your response and its connection to important family values with your child is essential. It is precisely this on-going dialog, which often has its origins in conflict, that provides a sense of safety and consistency for your child. And each time you return to these conversations you also send an important message about what you value. Below are a few links to some resources that you might find useful in this on-going work:

• Helping Your Teen Make Responsible Choices
• Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence (PDF)
• Surviving (Your Child’s) Adolescence

For parents, adolescence marks the beginning of a “letting go” and by the end of adolescence, your young adults will be very much responsible for their lives. Because we/you can’t always be there for them, we hope that the values that we have worked to instill in them hold fast and guide them through their difficult moments. This is the clearest evidence that that you and your child are productively making your way through adolescence. I see ample evidence of this in our students and it is a reflection of the hard work that you do at home and that we reinforce at school.

On other fronts, the seventh grade was in Philadelphia today exploring Independence Hall and the National Constitution Center as part of their on-going inquiry into the birth of our nation and the drafting of the Constitution. Click here to view some photos.