Adolescent Issues Are In The Air
Dear Families,
On Monday and Tuesday night, Middle School psychologist Andrew Weiss and I enjoyed spirited discussions with fifth-seventh grade parents as part of our annual Adolescent Issues Parent Evenings (click here for an overview of topics being explored in Adolescent Issues classes). In these discussions, we spent much time talking about the many ways in which adolescents seek to test boundaries and that this can invariably lead to a certain level of conflict. As Andrew astutely observed, the goal for parents and teachers is not to find ways to avoid this conflict, but rather to work through it. For it is precisely these moments of conflict that define where the boundaries are and how they connect to the values that serve as a foundation for your family and for us at LREI. Navigating through these waters is certainly difficult for both kids, parents and teachers, but is is essential. We also acknowledged that these values may differ from family to family and with the school and that this can create additional challenges.
We talked about the challenge of responding to difficult questions that we may not want or feel prepared to answer. We agreed that acknowledging the significance of a question is important, but that we may want to let our child know that we want to think about it for a bit to figure out the best may to respond. In this way, we can model thoughtful and reflective thinking for our child as we look for the best way to enter into the conversation. We talked about the importance of finding a response that was honest, but that also felt comfortable with regard to what you may or may not want to share with your child.
Many parents felt that their child’s “need to know” was also challenged by the ease with which information can be accessed in a digital age. Whether intentionally or by accident, it is surprisingly easy for children to stumble upon information that may be misleading, confusing, or scary. While we might want to try to limit what a child can access so only that which is developmentally appropriate can be found, we acknowledged that this is probably impossible. We also talked about the challenges that online communication can create for authentic and meaningful dialog between peers and friends. These challenges make it all the more important for parents to understand and to become comfortable with the information/entertainment tools that our children are using. Knowing how to IM, text, blog, and access social networking sites is crucial. Let your kids teach you these skills and while they are teaching you, you can help them to understand how you expect them to use these tools in ways that are consistent with your values. You’ll probably also have a lot of fun in the process.
On a related note, there was much conversation about how parents can keep a pulse on what their child is thinking and wondering about as they move through adolescence. Many parents commented that this is compounded by the fact that as their child is seeking greater independence s/he may appear unwilling to want to share what is going on in his/her life. Many of you commented about how important it is to keep trying, but not to push too hard. The metaphor of a set of closed doors surrounding the adolescent was offered. we agreed that it is important to knock regularly on these doors and to not always knock on the same door. And despite all this knocking, we need to be okay with the fact that the child may not always open the door. This regular knocking lets them know that when they are ready to talk to us about an issue, we will be there ready to listen. As it is in the classroom, the student wants to know where the boundaries are and wants to make sure that they are enforced. When the boundaries are vague and inconsistent students tend not to feel safe and will find it hard to take the risks that are required to do good thinking. In the same way, the regular knocking on the doors of adolescent issues creates a sense of safety and consistency that is so important. Each time you knock, you also send an important message about what you value.
Towards the end of our conversation, I commented that one of the things that so impresses me with our students is that when the stakes are high and a friend is at risk they really do rise to the occasion. We often become aware of issues because students tell us. They tell us because they know that we care about them and want to help, but at a deeper level, they tell us because they truly care about their classmates. This caring for others is hugely significant. For parents, adolescence marks the beginning of a “letting go” and by the end of adolescence, your young adults will be very much responsible for their lives. Because we/you can’t always be there for them, we hope that the values that we have worked to instill in them hold fast and guide them through their difficult moments. This is the clearest evidence that that you and your child are productively making your way through adolescence. I see ample evidence of this in our students and it is a reflection of the hard work that you do at home and that we reinforce at school.
Keep knocking and talking!
Be well,
Mark