Fitting in and feeling good about it…
Dear LREI Families,
For the past two weeks in sixth grade adolescent issues, we have been talking about the characteristics we look for in a potential friend. As part of our discussions, we conducted an auction in which groups of students bid on characteristics that they valued in a friend. To do this, groups had to discuss and come to a consensus about those values that the group as a whole shared. In doing this, the students realized that there while there were differences in what they valued individually, there was also much that they shared in common.
The auctions themselves were spirited events. When all was said and done, the characteristics that were most valued by the class included the following: A potential friend . . .
- is someone I can confide in (share feelings and tell secrets)
- is smart
- is cool
- doesn’t talk behind my back and is loyal
- is part of a group I like being with
- is honest
- likes me for who I am
- shares common interests with me
- is good looking
In our discussions after the auction, students commented that some of these valued characteristics can create tensions between friends and potential friends. They observed that the pressure to be “cool” can sometimes cause them to betray a confidence or talk behind someone’s back, that a focus on someone’s appearance can be at odds with liking someone for who they are, that being part of a group can put pressure on a relationship with a friend. We talked a bit about how we can navigate through these tensions. As one student commented, “You know what the right thing to do is, but it’s hard to do it sometimes when you’re worried about how others will react.”
We also had some interesting conversation about the items that were not highly valued as potential characteristics of a friend. These included choosing a friend who is . . .
- the same race an/or religious background
- from a family that is not richer or poorer than mine
- completely different form me
For middle schoolers who are so focused on their identity and fitting in and feeling good about it, I think it is significant that these characteristics were not seen as obstacles to friendship. At the same time, students did observe that while these differences did not prevent them from considering someone as a friend, they did sometimes lead to difficulties and misunderstanding between friends. Significantly, the students talked about these misunderstandings as opportunities for understanding. As one student commented, “I was upset when my friend couldn’t go out with me on a day that was an important holiday for her. For me it was just a regular day. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. But when my friend explained what it was and why it was important, I felt like I got to know her a lot better.”
Making and sustaining friendships is hard work and during the middle school years this work can be even harder. Our students are not exempt from this challenge, but I do believe that some of our core values about community help to make this easier. LREI middle schoolers really do care about each other. They work hard with their classmates and teachers to make the Middle School a place where individuals are committed to knowing and understanding each other at a deep level and to working through and past superficial judgments and first impressions. In reflecting on both students’ comments in Adolescent Issues and my daily observations, I sense a clear collective commitment to making sure that the Middle School is a place where all of our community members feel safe and supported. This is especially true as students push themselves to take risks to better understand themselves and others.We know that we will not always get it right every time, that there will be bumps along the way, but, in the end, it’s really not all that surprising that our middle schoolers understand what to value in a friend.
Be well,
Mark