Revising creative writing piece

My name is Jon Peppers.  I look so swag right now. I’m visiting america for the first time in four years and i’m having a great time. Four is my favorite number.  The only reason I was able to come was because my mom payed for me. I came because I have relatives in New York. I live in France and I work at starbucks. I hate france, I live there because it’s cheaper than new york. I live by myself and my dog named Bone. I miss New York.  I miss those days. Back home my apartment is very cramped like a subway car during rush hour. I’m only one person, but my house is not that big so it’s hard to move around in there. It’s hard to get anywhere from my house because it’s in the middle of NOWHERE. I hate it. If I want to go to the grocery store it will take me about forty five  minutes by car one way. But going to Starbucks is even worse it `will take me two hours on a good day to get there., and it’s not like I have any friends who live closer. My friend Joey who also works at starbucks with me. lives one hour from me the other direction. I want I would like to move back here when I get enough money. My last job I only made $ 7.25 an hour.   I worked at a shoe shining place in the Southern  France. (my face would always turn red when I got there because i hated it there.) When I was a young boy I wanted to be an astronaut. That dream crashed when I was seven. About when my dad died, but I don’t want to get into that now. I remember those days . The days when I didn’t have to go to work every day and not worry every day that I might not have enough money to last me the next week.

 

So enough about me. I’m in New York City, the city that never sleeps I should be telling you about what i’m doing. So right now I’m with my mom Isabella. She’s showing me around New York City and I’m having the best time. I’ve seen the statue of liberty and now we are at the  Empire state building.

“It’s so tall, nothing in Paris is as big as this.” I say

“ I know.” she says.

Then we have this moment we just look at each other and I say

“Can I stay with you mom.” I say

“ Yes, I already knew you were going to ask that.” She exclaims.

After the Empire State Building we go to her favorite restaurant in all of New York, Mcdonald’s.

“Mcdonald’s is amazing” I tell her

“I know right? I go here every Tuesday for lunch.” she replies

After Mcdonald’s we go back to my mom’s house and I see all the pictures of my dad. I start to tear up. My dad died when I was just seven in a shooting down in lower manhattan. They never found the person that killed him. Everytime my dad get brought up we start to get tears dripping down our faces. When my mom sees that i’m crying she comes over to me and gives me a hug. It made me feel happy inside. Later, we sit by her fireplace watching some TV just happy to see each other. Were watching Sportscenter (my favorite show, but of course I can’t afford cable so I can never watch it.) When I woke up the next morning she has a cup of coffee waiting to me, half milk half coffee just the way I like it. I put three packets of Sugar in the raw into cup of coffee.

 

The next day I go to the shop across the street. The guy working there says “Want a lottery ticket only $ 5.”

I say “sure.” (even though i’m going a little out of my limit for something I don’t need.)

He hands me the lotto ticket and I go to scratch it off. And just like that I couldn’t believe my eyes, I won. I won I won! I go yelling across the town screaming my head off. I knew this is going to change my life. My life got a whole lot better at a blink of an eye.   I won 10 million dollars.  The winning number was 4 my favorite number.I go and buy myself a lamborghini and a house in manhattan close by to my mom.  Todays my lucky day.

 

Revision is adding more detail to your piece for the better. For example my goal in revising this piece was in some parts  of my piece it’s dull so I want to make it flow nice and sound better. I feel like I added a lot more detail since I set myself out for this goal and my piece is a lot better.

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