February 21, 2008

Why Kids Lie

Dear Families,

I hope you all had a wonderful long weekend. During the time off, I finally had the chance to catch up on some reading; one article I read absolutely resonated with me, and I had to share it with you. If you have not read the article yet, please do check out New York Magazine’s cover story, Why Kids Lie.

Following is an excerpt from the article:

…In her study of teenage students, Darling also mailed survey questionnaires to the parents of the teenagers interviewed, and it was interesting how the two sets of data reflected on each other. First, she was struck by parents’ vivid fear of pushing their teens into outright hostile rebellion. “Many parents today believe the best way to get teens to disclose is to be more permissive and not set rules,” Darling says. Parents imagine a trade-off between being informed and being strict. Better to hear the truth and be able to help than be kept in the dark.

Darling found that permissive parents don’t actually learn more about their children’s lives. “Kids who go wild and get in trouble mostly have parents who don’t set rules or standards. Their parents are loving and accepting no matter what the kids do. But the kids take the lack of rules as a sign their parents don’t care—that their parent doesn’t really want this job of being the parent.”

Pushing a teen into rebellion by having too many rules was a sort of statistical myth. “That actually doesn’t happen,” remarks Darling. She found that most rules-heavy parents don’t actually enforce them. “It’s too much work,” says Darling. “It’s a lot harder to enforce three rules than to set twenty rules.”

A few parents managed to live up to the stereotype of the oppressive parent, with lots of psychological intrusion, but those teens weren’t rebelling. They were obedient. And depressed.

“Ironically, the type of parents who are actually most consistent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are most warm and have the most conversations with their kids,” Darling observes. They’ve set a few rules over certain key spheres of influence, and they’ve explained why the rules are there. They expect the child to obey them. Over life’s other spheres, they supported the child’s autonomy, allowing them freedom to make their own decisions.

The kids of these parents lied the least. Rather than hiding twelve areas from their parents, they might be hiding as few as five…

It is not for us to judge one’s parenting style or decisions for their children. At the high school, we have found that when rules are consistent and consistently enforced here at school, kids feel better and behave better because the boundaries set reinforce our care and concern for the community while helping us to appreciate and hold community members to the highest standard. At the same time, we do support giving students many freedoms because we want them to be able to advocate for themselves and yes, make their own thoughtful decisions. However, sometimes in the chaos of the day, it can occationally be easier said than done.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the article.

On another note, students enjoyed seeing a preview of An Evening with Tennesse Williams today during assembly. All of the performers featured were fantastic, and the play, a series of one-acts, which will head to the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland this summer, promises to be a memorable, enjoyable night of theater! Please join us on Thursday, Feb. 28, Friday, Feb. 29 and/or Saturday, March 1, at 7 PM. Tickets are on sale at the Charlton Street reception desk starting tomorrow.

All the best,

Ruth
Updates and Announcements:

VISIBILITY is HERE! We are proud to host an opening reception inspired by our student government for the VISIBILITY show TONIGHT, Thursday, February 21 from 6-8PM, featuring photographs and performances by members of the high school community.

The school’s calendar can be accessed by clicking here.

Click here to view the 2008-2009 LREI Calendar.

For general LREI Athletics news go to this link . This page will provide general announcements, game summaries, league standings and season recaps.

1. Our Annual School Spirit Game, in which our middle school and high school basketball teams play against the faculty has been rescheduled for Wednesday, March 5th at 3:30PM in the Thompson Street Athletic Center at 145 Thompson Street. This is a fun event for young and old. You are all invited to attend.

2. Please note: Six of our students have been chosen to display their photography at Synchronicity Fine Arts, 106 West 13th Street. The show runs from February 5 through March 1.

3. On Thursday, February 28, 2008, 7:00PM, Freedom Institute’s Independent School Program presents an evening with Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair on “How to Be a Go-To Parent: Raising Kids of Character.” To be held at the Nightingale-Bamford School (20 East 92nd Street, New York, NY). For more information, contact: Charlanne Zepf Bauerlein at 212-838-0044 ext. 11.

4. Michel de Konkoly Thege will make a presentation concerning LREI’s finances that is open to all interested members of the LREI community. The presentation will be in the 6th Avenue cafeteria at 8:45AM on Tuesday, February 26.

5. For updates on faculty performances, openings, presentations, and publications visit the Faculty in the News page on the school web site.

6. LREI is a member of NYC-Parents in Action (NYC-PIA). NYC-PIA provides parenting education, information and a communications network to help parents prepare their children and teenagers to cope with social pressures and to make sound choices towards a future free of alcohol and drug abuse. Please read the attached flyer to view their 2007-2008 calendar. You can also access their website at http://www.parentsinaction.org/.