Question: What did you expect to learn and how does that compare to what you did learn?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the books I’ve been reading on how to resolve conflicts with children, specifically about what the goals of these strategies are. With my original project, the goal seemed much clearer. My question was “What are the most effective methods of conflict resolution for young kids in lower school classrooms”. I was looking at ways in which teachers could effectively resolve conflicts with students. When I made the switch to observing my own family’s methods of conflict resolution with my siblings, I made the mistake of approaching this project with the same lense. This was a mistake because the way teachers should resolve conflicts with kids who aren’t theirs is very different from how parents should approach conflict resolution and punishment. When I worked at the day camp, we were told to speak to the kids in a certain way. When telling kids not to do something, we were supposed to speak calmly, and explain why they’re not allowed to do this, calmly being the key word. This makes sense for a day camp counselor because it is not my place to yell at someones’ kid, unless they do something really wrong. Teachers/counselors and parents have very different roles.

There are parenting methods that I’ve read and heard about that frown of yelling at or saying “no” to your kid. When I adjusted my project for quarantine, this was the conception I had about conflict resolution for parents. However, similar to my last blog post, I realized that this isn’t always what’s best for the kid. What kind of person would that kid grow up to be if they’ve never been yelled at or told no by their parents? The goal of conflict resolution should not be to get rid of all conflict in the home. I believe that some level of conflict is vital to our lives. We learn from conflict, it teaches us right from wrong, it makes us better problem solvers, it makes us more mature, and it makes us more responsible. You cannot shelter your kid from any and all conflict. While yes, there are many wrong ways to raise a child, and too much conflict in a child’s life is bad, too little conflict can be harmful too. If someone grew up having never been yelled at by their parents, they probably wouldn’t fair well in the real world. They would have a very hard time handling conflict because they never really learned how to deal with it.

In a previous blog post I talked about how my siblings constantly negotiate. While this makes it hard on us when they never just do what we ask them to do without protest, it makes them good negotiators. They have developed a very useful  skill that will serve them well in life. In the parenting books and in one of the Intro to Psychology lectures I took, they say that allowing your children to negotiate/giving into their negotiations is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. I disagree. It may be a big mistake if your goal is to simply make your life easier by making them completely compliant, but that should not be the goal of parenting.

I don’t believe there is a right way to raise a child. There are definitely wrong ways, but there is not one right way that all parents should raise their children. Different methods work for different kids, for different families, and for different situations. If every kid was raised the same/with the same parenting strategies, we’d all be pretty boring people.