When I started my second attempt at the self-study my initial idea was that I would focus on making sure I didn’t become a “dinosaur”. A dinosaur in this context meant faculty member and teacher who was wed to the way he/she has always done things. I was going to re-examine my habits as a teacher and a learner.

As we moved through the initial stages of the self-study, I thought I would focus on myself as a learner first. I planned to push myself to explore different perspectives and different ways of learning. Building on the anti-racist workshop I attended last June, I continued to work on my understanding of race. I read the Warmth of Other Suns and Stamped From the Beginning. I also watched documentaries such as “What’s My Name Mohammed Ali,” and I revisited “I Am Not Your Negro” on James Baldwin. I was going to combine these with visits to museums and art galleries.  By looking at different perspectives through  different lenses I wanted to use ways of learning that I generally did not take advantage of, I hoped to expand my understanding different communities and revitalize myself as a lifelong learner. The pandemic intervened and I ended up spending nine weeks in Bangor Maine. We were lucky. Not surprisingly social distancing is very easy in Maine and we had access to the outdoors. However, much of what I hope to do in my self-study was no longer possible.

After putting off the self-study for several weeks I decided that I would work with what I had access to and continue to build on the anti-racist focus. I read Claudia Rankin’s book of poetry, Citizens. More recently, I started reading The Sword and Shield a dual biography of Malcolm X and Martin Luther King. I also watched “When They See Us” about the Central Park five, “Just Mercy,” “The Black Power Mix Tape,” “Fruitvale Station,” and several shorter films. Along with these I also read articles such as Rankin’s The Condition of Black Life is Mourning, and other pieces on race in America. Although I started this refocus at the end of April, recent events have made it even more important. Not only have I been forced to reevaluate my role as a citizen and educator, my understanding of my relationship with my daughter has been impacted. In addition, to trying to understand how I can discuss race in my ninth grade class or in my electives, I also now struggle with how to explain what’s happening to black and brown communities to an eight-year-old.

For me understanding race and racism in America has too often been a largely academic exercise. I hope the work I’ve done  so far beginning is changed that. I am not sure how this self-study will impact how or what I teach in the classroom, but it is forced me out of my comfort zone.