Why Not

Dear Middle School and High School Parents,

As you may be aware, last year’s Netflix series 13 Reasons Why will continue this week with a second season. There seems to be less press coverage of Season 2, though this could change after all episodes are made available on Friday. Some might argue that less is being written about Season 2 as Season 1 was not the calamity some thought it would be. Some will argue that there is less hub-bub as we have become complacent, as we so often do. While acknowledging the point of view that Season 1 did not cause a rash of suicides (though this metric might not be the best measurement of the series’ impact), the fact that our community experienced one such loss this spring means we cannot be complacent when considering whether our children should watch, or how our children should watch, 13 Reasons Why, Season 2.

As I wrote last year:

“The expressed concerns center on the central action of the story, the suicide of the main character. The series also includes graphic scenes of sexual assault and rape. As published in the New York Times review on March 30, 2017, ‘Young viewers may find the combination of thriller and morbid teenage melodrama in ‘13 Reasons Why’ addictive, though parents should be aware that it contains startlingly naturalistic depictions of rape and suicide.’ There is significant concern that, for some, not only will these depictions be troubling but they might romanticize and encourage suicide or self-harm. In addition, there are concerns about the theme of suicide as revenge, about classmates and friends being bystanders rather than allies, about depictions of bullying – in person and online – among other negative interactions. The producers contend that the graphic depiction makes the suicide more real, less romantic, less attractive. Different children, different experiences.”

I will disagree with my 2017 self in one regard, Yes, “Different children, different experiences.” However, given Thea Jones’ suicide, we should not underestimate nor disregard the magnifying effect that our immediate personal and community-wide experience will have for ALL of us, if we choose to watch. Our students are raw. Suicide is not a plot device for us. It is our personal experience and it is still new, present, and impactful.

In a discussion with Lauren Feiden, LREI’s middle school/high school psychologist, she suggested:

“According to the National Association for School Psychologists (NASP), it is not recommended that vulnerable youth, especially those who have experienced suicidal ideation, depression, or a trauma watch the show. Research shows that exposure to another person’s suicide, or to graphic or sensationalized accounts of death, can be one of the many risk factors that youth struggling with mental health conditions cite as a reason they contemplate or attempt suicide.

Our community has experienced a trauma, our kids are raw, we are raw, we are vulnerable. It is advised that your kids do not watch the series at this time. If you choose to watch the show, watch it together. We cannot stress the importance of having a supportive adult(s) with them to process the themes and engage in meaningful conversations afterwards.”

Again, from last year’s letter, “Families need to make their own decisions about what their children watch, listen to, etc. Parents likely have the best perspective on where their children are in relation to significant issues, events, actions, etc., allowing the adults to think about a particular viewing experience in the context of the child’s life. However, there are themes and subjects that demand a reasonable level of parental participation and conversation, even for the most sophisticated teen viewer.” A plot driven by the subject of teen suicide in this year for LREI’s middle and high school students screams out for a greater level of oversight and conversation for all but the rarest child. While I have a list of suggestions below, for starters a discussion is required before watching and binge-watching will magnify the experience, and periodic check-ins seem essential. We cannot stress strongly enough how important we think it is for families to watch together if watching at all is allowed. Do not assume that the experience your child had last year, if they watched, will be the experience that they have this year, if they watch.

We suggest that:

You consider putting off viewing this series for a few weeks or months. The kids are raw;
Cut down on binging. Take it easy. One episode at a time.
If your child plans to watch 13 Reasons Why that you consider watching it together
If your child is, has, or will be watching 13 Reasons Why without you, that you make time to discuss the issues and images and your child’s reactions and feelings;
If your child has not mentioned viewing this series, but has access to a Netflix account, that you ask if they have watched the series. If so, talk. If not, figure out what the next steps are if they have expressed an interest;
If you and your child are watching, discuss the differences between fictional characters’ experiences and their very real experiences of a friend’s suicide.

To risk dwelling for too long on the idea of binge watching 13RW, Season 2, a reminder I shared last year, “For many of us, when we were teenagers it was hard to hide what we watched on TV. There were fewer choices, fewer devices, and less privacy. If we watched something that would have benefited from a discussion, it was known, and a conversation would follow. Not so in 201(8). Forget about the family TV, even the family computer or tablet. Many of your children stream content on their phones, when at home and when out and about, when they are alone or with friends, and you likely don’t know all that they are watching. In addition, in the old days, we would watch one episode and have a week to process, to decompress, to talk, to anticipate. Now, they can completely immerse themselves, overwhelm themselves, emerging hours later, with little time between viewings, little time to make sense of the experience, having to put a complex story in context in one sitting.”

My concerns about private, and maybe secretive, media consumption, are similar to my concerns about social media, as are my suggestions/thoughts:

from time to time, check in with your tween or teen about their viewing, listening, posting habits;
if time and circumstances permit, get in the habit of watching together—a great way to spend time with, and talk to, even the seemingly most adult-adverse adolescent;
not sure if a particular series or movie is appropriate? Ask a peer, read a review, or simply trust your gut. It is fine to say “No;”
depending on the content, consider limiting the number of episodes watched in one sitting;
have a teen who wants to watch something like “13 Reasons Why” but the graphic depictions make you uncomfortable? Suggest that they read the book instead, at least for now;
wait. Sometimes just waiting until our children are a little older can help an awful lot;
“But Dad, I will be the only….” Rarely completely true and, even if it is, it’s okay for a parent to say, “No” or “Later.”