Dear Middle School and High School Parents,
I hope that this note finds you well as we approach the busy month of May.
As you may be aware, the new Netflix series 13 Reasons Why is quite popular with middle school and high school students, as well as garnering a lot of attention from adults. There have been any number of letters, articles, blogs, and newsletters focused on the show and on questions swirling around this production. I thought I would up the count by one.
I have not yet watched the series and am not sure I will. It has been interesting to read the thoughts of health care professionals, the reviews of 13 Reasons, and to have had the opportunity to speak with some of those involved in creating the series. All thought provoking. (Jay Asher, the author of the book upon which the series is based, also titled 13 Reasons Why, spoke at LREI a number of years ago.)
The expressed concerns center on the central action of the story, the suicide of the main character. The series also includes graphic scenes of sexual assault and rape. As published in the New York Times review on March 30, 2017, “Young viewers may find the combination of thriller and morbid teenage melodrama in ‘13 Reasons Why’ addictive, though parents should be aware that it contains startlingly naturalistic depictions of rape and suicide.” There is significant concern that, for some, not only will these depictions be troubling but they might romanticize and encourage suicide or self-harm. In addition, there are concerns about the theme of suicide as revenge, about classmates and friends being bystanders rather than allies, about depictions of bullying – in person and online – among other negative interactions. The producers contend that the graphic depiction makes the suicide more real, less romantic, less attractive. Different children, different experiences.
Families need to make their own decisions about what their children watch, listen to, etc. Parents likely have the best perspective on where their children are in relation to significant issues, events, actions, etc., allowing the adults to think about a particular viewing experience in the context of the child’s life. However, there are themes and subjects that demand a reasonable level of parental participation and conversation, even for the most sophisticated teen viewer. Without question, the experience of watching a graphic depiction of teen suicide will vary based on a child’s past experiences, and is, therefore, worth making a considered decision and, at the very least, checking in about. It is important to consider that even if a child is watching a series that does not have the same level of graphic depiction of violence and injury, many popular and oft-watched movies and TV series expose your children to violence and mature themes that might cause concern even though the action takes place off screen.
I suggest that:
- if your child plans to watch 13 Reasons Why, you consider watching it together;
- if your child is, has, or will be watching 13 Reasons Why without you, that you make time to discuss the issues and images and your child’s reactions and feelings;
- if your child has not mentioned viewing this series, but has access to a Netflix account, that you ask if they have watched the series. If so, talk. If not, figure out what the next steps are if they have expressed an interest;
- you check in, periodically, with your children about what they are watching.
For many of us, when we were teenagers it was hard to hide what we watched on TV. There were fewer choices, fewer devices, and less privacy. If we watched something that would have benefited from a discussion, it was known, and a conversation would follow. Not so in 2017. Forget about the family TV, even the family computer or tablet. Many of your children stream content on their phones, when at home and when out and about, when they are alone or with friends, and you likely don’t know all that they are watching. In addition, in the old days, we would watch one episode and have a week to process, to decompress, to talk, to anticipate. Now, they can completely immerse themselves, overwhelm themselves, emerging hours later, with little time between viewings, little time to make sense of the experience, having to put a complex story in context in one sitting.
My concerns about private, and maybe secretive, media consumption, are similar to my concerns about social media, as are my suggestions/thoughts:
- From time to time, check in with your tween or teen about their viewing, listening, posting habits;
- if time and circumstances permit, get in the habit of watching together—a great way to spend time with, and talk to, even the most adult-adverse adolescent;
- not sure if a particular series or movie is appropriate? Ask a peer, read a review, or simply trust your gut. It is fine to say “No;”
- depending on the content, consider limiting the number of episodes watched in one sitting;
- have a teen who wants to watch something like “13 Reasons Why” but the graphic depictions make you uncomfortable? Suggest that they read the book instead, at least for now;
- wait. Sometimes just waiting until our children are a little older can help an awful lot;
- “But Dad, I will be the only….” Rarely completely true and, even if it is, it’s okay for a parent to say, “No” or “Later.”
For some who are interested in watching “13 Reasons Why” there will be great opportunity. For others, real reasons to avoid doing so. Wherever your child is, maybe this evening is a moment to check in.
Happy to discuss this topic. Don’t hesitate to be in touch with me, with your division’s principal or with Alexis Kahan, middle/high school psychologist.
Resources:
From the National Association of School Psychologists