It is very draining in New York. I just got home from my work at JP Morgan. My name is Benjamin Carter. I live on Broome street and West Broadway. I have lived in new York for seven years now. My boss just got fired because he gave away an important secret someone found out. When I get home my wife is in on the couch. I sit down next to her. She starts coughing very harshly and it lasts for a while. It sounds like the cough is very bad. She tells me its been like this since the morning. I feel really dreadful for her. I ask her if she needs to go see a doctor, but she says she is okay. I feel wistful for her, because I don’t want her to be sick tomorrow on her 65th birthday. I go to our room and I start to wrap my present, a one of a kind 1986 made mug. When I finish, I call my friend who is a doctor and tell her to come check on my wife. The doctors name is Penelope. Penelope goes to the couch. My wife is fast asleep. My friend puts her hand on my wife’s forehead, and when she takes it off she finds a tool in her bag and takes my wife’s temperature.
“Will she be okay？” I ask.
“She will be fine. She just has a cold,” my friend says back.
“Will she be okay?” I say. Not knowing how Penelope found that out so fast.
“Although, she will have to stay home from work because of this,” my friend says.
“But tomorrow is her 65th birthday!” I tell her.
“Well maybe ,” my friend tells me.
I head to work before my wife wakes up, but I leave her a note on the fridge.
It says that the doctor said to stay home from work today. When I get to work I sign in at the front desk and head upstairs. I say hi to my co worker and sit down at my desk. It is a long, but easy day at work as I go to the subway to get home. I see a box of tissues in a store and I buy them. I also order a birthday cake for my wife. When I get home my wife is sitting on the couch watching television. I get the tissue box from my bag, and hand it to her. Her eyes look like they just got out of a car wash. I ask her if she is okay, but she doesn’t answer. She just leans on my shoulder and l wrap my arms around her. She tells me she wants to order sashimi. I get up and pick up the my phone, I dial 929-231-9376. The ring from the phone reminds me of when I was young, because one day a long time ago in the big sky of Montana…
(Flashback)
It was 2:00 and I was skiing in a place near Bozeman. I was with my mom, dad, and sister. They were going really fast in front of me and I could not catch up. They turned off somewhere and I tried to follow. When I turned my ski hit a rock and I went flying. I blacked out for a little bit long enough for my family to be very far away. I waited for 5 minutes and then I got up and tried to find my family. It was getting too steep so I took of my skies and started waking. I was halfway down the hill, and I could see the lift. I needed a break so I lied down on the side of the run. It was not a very busy day so no one was on the run. I was staring into space when I noticed something on the run, it was a iPhone. Not just any iPhone… my sister’s iPhone. She was just here because she was prank calling random numbers before! That number was 929-231-9376…
“Are you okay?” My wife ask me. “You were staring in the distance for minutes,” she says. “I’m fine,” I say back to her. “I ordered the sashimi just so you know,” my wife says back. “It will arrive shortly,”
THE END
What is revision?
Revision is adding more context or detail. It is different from editing because editing is for grammar and spelling.
My revision goal for this piece was to add more of an intro to who Benjamin is.
I think I did pretty well on my goal, because before if you read the piece you would know nothing about him.